The List
by Galahan
Summary: While Qui-Gon is away on a mission, Obi-Wan annoys his teachers with a list he's found. R & R. Finally finished!!!!
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I don't own SW. I'm just playing with the characters. I'll return everyone relatively unharmed.

Spoilers: JA books.

Archive: If you really want it, you can have it. Just tell me where it's going.

Timeframe: After JA #8, before #9

Author's Note: Thank you to young_padfoot and wild horse, who kept giving me ideas, even if they didn't realize it. Ivy, I even managed to work a little angst in here for you! Please review. If you want to see the list without my story added in, it's by youngpadfoot, so just look her up. I don't know the exact title. 

The List

Prologue

Obi-Wan had found it while on some backwater world negotiations about which treehouses were whose, or so it had seemed to him. When he read it, it had immediately reminded him of a friend he'd known as an Initiate. And now that Qui-Gon Jinn, The great Jedi Master who didn't give a darn about his apprentice, was off on some boring diplomatic mission that an apprentice would just be in the way on, he took it out again.

Maybe it was because he was lonely. Maybe it was because Master Telamin was old and stuffy and didn't care about Obi-Wan in the least. As he began to read it, an idea made its way into his mind. What if he did some of the things on the list? He quickly scanned through the first page and downloaded it onto his main datapad. It read:

__

Ways to Cause Chaos in Class.

Bring in a stuffed animal/action figure that makes noise and press it continuously. Pretend to misunderstand the teacher's directions and use permanent marker on the nice, new, shiny graphing board. Unscrew all the screws in desks, chairs, overheads, etc. To where they just barely stay in. Sit back and watch the show. Insist on being called by your insane nickname/penname. Pick two phrases and only use these when asked to speak. (ex. I want one of those! And Somebody needs a hug...). Annoy your teacher by criticizing their taste in clothes. 'Conveniently' press the office intercom button when your teacher is on a rampage. Replace your teacher's overhead notes with one that sport rude drawings/sayings. Have your Latin/other foreign language teacher translate 'Beware of the fluffy bunny rabbit' and so on. 

10) Pretend to be terrified of a common object like rulers, chalk, shoes, etc.

11,) Get some friends in on it and insist on reenacting a scene from a book.

12.) Continuously ask your science teacher questions like, "Why do planets rotate on their axis?" or "why did the Big Bang occur?" and so on.

13.) Insist that evil squirrels and skittles are threatening to take over the school and the teachers must be sacrificed to meet their demands.

14.)Insist that one or more of your relatives is a deranged killer and that this individual is coming to pick you up from school today.

Hmmm... Well, he could always use one of his holovid soundtracks instead of an action figure, whatever that was. And the Calculus teacher had just gotten a new graph board. Unscrewing all the screws in desks and the like would be easy; it was just a matter of timing. Being called an insane nickname or penname was harder. The only nickname he'd ever had was 'Oafy-Wan' and he definitely didn't want to be called that. He'd save that one for later. 

Picking two phrases was easy... it would just be a matter of choosing. He liked 'We all live in a yellow submarine' and 'It's a wonderful day in the neighborhood' best. Criticizing the teachers' clothes would be hard- everyone at the Temple wore the same cream-colored tunic and leggings with a nondescript robe. Maybe he'd just scratch that one. Pushing the office intercom button? Maybe that meant the Council. The only teacher Obi-Wan knew who got angry was his Jedi History teacher, Master Kuli. 

Replacing overhead notes? What were overheads? Maybe that was a holoprojector. Replacing holoprojector notes would be easy. Having his Corubian teacher translate those sentences would also be easy. Well, asking would, anyway. Being terrified of a common object... lightsabers would be very good. Reenacting scenes would be hard... none of his friends were on-planet. Not that they would be willing to do something that might get them into trouble. 

Asking his Physics teacher questions would just make master T'Khatu patiently explain everything in his tired, ancient voice. Unless, of course, he asked painfully obvious questions. Evil squirrels? Skittles? What were those? Obi-Wan decided that it didn't matter; things might work better if no one knew what he was talking about. His relative a deranged killer? Well, Master Telamin was certainly weird. And he did insist on picking Obi-Wan up from classes, even though Obi-Wan's quarters weren't very far from his last class.


	2. Day One

Disclaimer: I don't own SW. I'm just playing. I'll return everything relatively unharmed. However, all the Masters who teach classes are mine. If anyone wants to use them, email me at galahanz@yahoo.com

Spoilers: Some JA.

Archive: Sure, just tell me where it is.

Author's Note: Thanks to youngpadfoot and wild horse. Like I said before, they keep giving me ideas. There isn't any ballet dancing in this one, so don't worry Ivy. There is a little bit of parody in here. See if you can find it. Please review!

The List

Day One

Obi-Wan had brought the soundtrack to the 'Hairy Wooker and the Senator's Aurodium' holovid that had just come out. It was right at the part where Hairy says "Oh no! We must go rescue Hairminy at once!" As soon as class had started, Obi-Wan pushed the button on his player. Hairy's voice rang through the classroom.

"What was that?" The voice of Master Audiat could be heard all the way to the Senate buildings. "Sorry. I accidentally turned on the HV player." Obi-Wan tried to sound sincere. A few minutes later Obi-Wan 'accidentally' pressed the play button again.

"What in the Sith Hells is that?" Master Audiat sounded as if he'd rather be anywhere but trapped in a classroom with 17 apprentices. "Uh, I knocked the HV player again. Sorry." 

Obi-Wan couldn't help but smile. Master Audiat glared at him but didn't say anything else.

Obi-Wan waited a minute or two before hitting play again. "Let me guess, Obi-Wan. You had another accident, correct?" Audiat's tone was acidic enough to dissolve limestone. "Don't let it happen again." Obi-Wan tried to keep the snicker out of his words when he replied. "Sorry, Master Audiat. I'll try." Audiat didn't give him the 'do or do not' speech. Obi-Wan was thankful.

When class was about three-quarters over, Obi-Wan pushed play one last time. "Obi-Wan Kenobi! You were warned! Your master will be informed of your behavior and you will have an extra assignment to make u for the time you have wasted!" 

Obi-Wan knew he'd be in for it when Qui-Gon got back. He didn't really care, though. Ever since Melida/Daan, Qui-Gon didn't seem to want to have anything to do with him. Obi-Wan got his assignment and left with the determination to get in as much trouble as possible before his master got home.

~~~

Obi-Wan was almost grinning from ear to ear as he walked into his Calculus class. He had brought a suitable marker for drawing on the nice, new board. It wasn't quite permanent, scrubbing vigorously would get it off. He didn't want to end up in too much trouble.

When the teacher asked for volunteers to put the homework questions on the board, Obi-Wan raised his hand. He went up third and did his problem. However, the student who came up after him couldn't erase it. Master Jayen went berserk. 

When Obi-Wan finally left Calculus, the Jedi had promised to speak with Master Qui-Gon when he returned. She also insisted that he come back after classes and wash the board. On top of that, he was given a second extra assignment.

~~~

During his lunch break, Obi-Wan slipped into the classroom that held his Jedi History class. He took his pocket vibrowrench and unscrewed the screws in every desk, chair, table, and overhead projector in the room (except for his own, of course) until the screws just barely stayed in their holes. Then he snuck back out.

When the students and teacher came back to the classroom after lunch, Obi-Wan was with them. He had decided not to bring his holocamera. Most people just milled around for a while and put their books on their desks, which wasn't enough to make them collapse. But when Master Kuli called the class to attention and everyone sat down, all of the desks except Obi-Wan's collapsed.

The class ended up being moved to a different room. The teacher eventually figured out that Obi-Wan was responsible. She told him that she and Qui-Gon would be having a little talk. She seemed mad when he asked if it would be over dinner or at a movie. Obi-Wan thought that he needed to start a waiting list. Master Kuli didn't give him another assignment, but she did make him come back after his classes and fix all the desks. Master Qui-Gon was going to be very mad when he got back.

~~~

Jedi Philosophy was very boring. Master Azuli was droning on about some uninteresting topic. "Obi-Wan, can you help Corith out?" Master Azuli must have known that Obi-Wan wasn't paying attention. He was just about to say know when he remembered the next item on the list. It was one that would be perfect to do here. 

So Obi-Wan answered, "It's a wonderful day in the neighborhood." Master Azuli gave him a strange look. Then he said, "Nice try, Obi-Wan." He called on a few more people before coming back to Obi-Wan. "We all live in a yellow submarine was the only answer he got. "Sorry to burst your bubble Obi-Wan, but we live in the Jedi Temple, which isn't yellow or a submarine." Master Azuli's tone was the same as the one he used to deal with children from the crèche.

"We all live in a yellow submarine." Obi-Wan was insistent. After spending class saying only those two things, Master Azuli gave him a nice, long assignment. The master also promised to inform Qui-Gon when he returned from his mission.


	3. Day Two

Disclaimer: I don't own SW. I'm just playing with the characters. I'll return everything (relatively) unharmed.

Spoilers: Some for Ja.

Archive: if you want it, you can have it. Please tell me where it's going though.

Author's Note: I suggest that you don't actually try these things. And if you do, any resulting detentions will not be blamed on me. Get that Honora? Thanks to everyone who reviewed last time. Ivy, there isn't any ballet dancing. Not until next story... Please review! All flames shall be cheerfully deleted.

The List

Day Two

Obi-Wan had only fixed the desks in the Jedi History classroom. The teacher's chair was still ready to fall apart. So, when Master Kuli sat in it, it collapsed. Master Kuli was not happy. She even used a few terms that Obi-Wan hadn't heard before. Obi-Wan made sure he flipped the intercom switch that patched communications through to the Council chambers after she was done saying his name.

"Obi-Wan Kenobi! I thought I told you to fix your little mess! You get your butt over here and start picking up pieces! What in all the Sith Hells were you thinking, you little Sith spawned bantha fodder!" She kept going for a few more minutes. Obi-Wan made sure the intercom button flipped off before the master realized that she'd been overheard.

Master Windu's voice came over the intercom. He didn't sound very happy. "If you have a personal problem with the Council, Master Kuli, You will NOT scream over the intercom. And you will NOT swear over an intercom that is answered by Initiates and junior Padawans. We will continue this discussion later, when you do not have a class."

The intercom clicked off. Obi-Wan snickered to himself. He hadn't even gotten in trouble for this one- yet. Too bad.

~~~

Obi-Wan knew that they would be taking notes in Literature. Master Shaedenn always made them take notes on the stories they read. He always used a holoprojector, too. And he generally told the class when they'd be taking notes.

Therefore, it was a simple matter to print pornographic pictures with rude captions off the holonet onto the kind of durasheets that the Temple holoprojectors used. It was another simple matter to put the printouts into the Literature holoprojector in place of the Literature notes. If it had been any easier, Obi-Wan would have been sure that he was being set up.

The Literature lesson started out normally. Master Shaedenn took attendance, then had the class get out their stuff. But when the aging Jedi turned on the holoprojector, a picture of a naked Twilek female appeared. The Master quickly went through the rest of the pages only to find that they sported similar images. Meanwhile, the entire class laughed so hard that their sides ached (the human ones anyway).

Eventually Master Shaedenn just gave the class the rest of the period to themselves while he figured out what happened and whose computer terminal the printouts were from. Every terminal put its ID code at the bottom of everything that it printed. It was simple to run the code through the computer and find out what terminal it was.

The Master wasn't particularly surprised when his search showed that the pictures had been printed from the terminal in Master Jinn's apartment. It was wickedly fun for the master to search through his files and find a long, ancient story filled with symbolism. He had been planning on giving it to his senior Padawan class, so he doubted Obi-Wan would find anyone to help him with it. They didn't mix with the younger students much.

He called Kenobi over and gave him the monster of the assignment. He watched the look on the boy's face as he told him that he was to read the story and answer 70 interpretation and comprehension questions on it. He was satisfied, especially when he promised to tell Master Qui-Gon of the incident.

~~~

A/N: I hope I'll have the next chapter up on Saturday, but midterms are next week, so I won't be posting again for a while.


	4. Day Three

Disclaimer: I don't own SW. I'm just playing. I'll return everyone (relatively) unharmed. The teachers are all my creations. If you want to borrow them for a story email me at galahanz@yahoo.com.

Spoilers: Some for JA.

Archive: If you want it you can have it; just tell me where it's going.

Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Also to wild horse and young_padfoot. Honora, watch out for the fluffy bunnies in this chapter. Please review. If you have any suggestions, put them in the reviews or email me.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The List

Day Three

Obi-Wan went into his Corubian class grinning evilly. Corubian was the official language of Corubia, a small core world of little importance. Obi-Wan wasn't fond of the language, but there were only two other languages available for students his age. One was Huttese, which Obi-Wan had known before he came to the Temple, as his homeworld had been under Hutt control. The other was the language he had taken last year. It was OK, except Bruck Chun would be in his class. Not that any of this has anything to do with why Obi-Wan was grinning evilly.

When Master Da'en, a Corubian, asked if there were any questions, Obi-wan raised his hand. "What's 'beware of the fluffy bunny rabbit' in Corubian?" Master Da'en looked startled for a minute. Then he said, "Why do you wish to know that? That has no relevance in relation to this lesson." Then he continued with his lesson.

A few minutes later, Obi-Wan raised his hand again. "Master Da'en, what's 'beware of the fluffy bantha' in Corubian?" This time the Master gave him a nasty look that said 'shut-up-now-or-else'. "You do not need to know." The statement was spoken with an arrogant tinge to it.

By the time Obi-Wan had asked for the translations of 'beware of the fluffy desk,' 'beware of the fluffy Calamarian,' 'beware of the fluffy dog,' 'beware of the fluffy master,' 'beware of the fluffy Force,' and 'beware of the fluffy datapad' Master Da'en was mad. Very mad. He gave Obi-Wan some boring, tedious extra assignment and sent a message to Master Jinn. As he was leaving, Obi-Wan couldn't help but say, "Note to self: Beware of the angry, fluffy Master." Master Da'en was not amused.

Obi-Wan had decided that lightsabers were the objects he was going to be afraid of. So, when he walked into his Padawan lightsaber class, chaos was bound to result.

Obi-Wan was a little bit late, so most students were already warming up. Some were doing lightsaber katas. He carefully edged around them, towards the mats with no occupants. 

A few minutes later, Master Zutar started class. He had them split into pairs for some light sparring. Obi-Wan didn't know his partner very well, but when the tall, blonde girl drew her lightsaber, he pretended to be terrified.

He jumped back and shouted, "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! A LIGHTSABER!!!!!!" Then he spun around and ran to hide behind someone who was watching the display and hadn't taken their lightsaber out yet. 

Obi-Wan took one look at the older student's belt, saw the lightsaber, and shouted, "You've got one too!!!" He ran behind another student. Master Zutar obviously thought that Obi-Wan had either cracked or was on drugs. "Obi-Wan, are you alright?"

Obi-Wan just screamed again (like a girl, of course) and raced around the room saying, "You've all got lightsabers!!! NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

At this point, Master Zutar decided that Obi-Wan needed to go to the Healers' Ward. Immediately. He handed his lightsaber to the oldest student there and asked her to watch the class for a few minutes. Then he scooped Obi-Wan (who was still screaming) up in a fireman's carry and took the apprentice to the Healers' Ward.

Obi-Wan was in for it big time half an hour later, when the Healer figured out that he was faking it. Oh well. 

A/N: I'll try to have the next chapter up by next weekend, but no promises. If I don't, I'll try to post the first part of another story I've been working on. It's the sequel to Silver, Anybody? Please review!


	5. Day Four

Disclaimer: I don't own SW. I'm just playing. I'll return everything (relatively) unharmed. 

Archive: If you want it you can have. Just email me and tell me where.

A/N: Sorry I've taken so long to get this up. Thanks to everyone who reviewed! Honora, the pink will get you. And Sextus is NOT dead still. And the squirrel is for you. Feel very, very special. Thanks to Wildhorse and Ivy, who actually bother to wade through these on a regular basis! And Megan, if you really want to type, it's all yours. Please Review! The number of reviews is directly proportional to the output of the author (me!).

The List

Day Four

Physics class was boring. They were studying light. Obi-Wan didn't like the idea that the model of light they were using wasn't particularly accurate. Master T'Khatu had admitted this at the beginning of the lesson. At the moment the aged Master was droning on about some aspect of light's properties.

Obi-Wan raised his hand. "If everyone knows that this model is inaccurate, why don't they fix it?" Master T'Khatu sighed. "It is not that simple, Obi-Wan. Scientists have been trying for years." The Jedi Master spoke as if he were explaining things to a small child.

Obi-Wan raised his hand again a few minutes later. "Why does light reflect off things?" His response was, "That is one of the properties of light." Master T'Khatu sounded irritated now.

By the time Obi-Wan had asked why water refracted light, why rainbows bent, why light didn't reflect off of Coruscant's atmosphere, how light could travel through space, why light went so fast, why suns emitted light, and why there were different kinds of light, class was almost finished. So was Master T'khatu's patience.

When Obi-Wan asked one more question at the end of class, the Master lost it. He told Obi-Wan that if he was so interested in light, he could write a nice, long report about it. He also promised to send word to Qui-Gon's computer terminal. Obi-Wan was very satisfied with himself.

Obi-wan knew he was walking into a mess of trouble. He had brought a small squirrel that had been racing around in the Gardens. It was carefully caged in a small box.

When Jedi Philosophy got boring, Obi-wan let the squirrel out. It raced around the room a few times, knocking datapads, biting people, and generally causing chaos. Then the animal came back to Obi-Wan. The apprentice used the Force to convince the small animal to crawl onto his shoulder and chitter into his ear. Then the squirrel went back to racing around the room.

Obi-Wan jumped out of his chair and pretended to be serious. "He says that the evil squirrels and evil skittles are going to take over the Temple unless we meet their demands!" Master Azuli looked very, very mad. "And just what would those demands be, Obi-Wan?" The Master's tone was icy.

"They say that we need to sacrifice the teachers to Squirrly, the squirrel god." Obi-Wan couldn't help but smile now. Master Azuli made him sit in the corner until class was over. He was very angry about the incident. The fact that Obi-Wan made sure to point out that 'anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering.' All in all, Obi-Wan was lucky to escape with his life. However, Master Azuli had given him a nice, long, evil assignment to go with his evil squirrels and evil skittles. Obi-Wan didn't care.

As Literature wore on, Obi-Wan started to look more and more nervous. Finally, just as the bell rang and Master Shaedenn gave out the homework, Obi-Wan pretended to have a nervous breakdown. As the rest of the class filed out the door, Obi-Wan grabbed onto Master Shaedenn and almost shouted, "Master Telamin is a deranged killer! I looked it up in his record!" Obi-Wan took a deep breath, looked around nervously, and said in a voice barely above a whisper, "And he's coming to get me!" Master Shaedenn gave him a strange look, then tried to peel the apprentice off, unsuccessfully. "Leech-boy Obi-Wan, I'm sure that Master Telamin has no intention of harming you. Besides, he didn't do anything _really_ wrong; those deaths were just accidents." Obi-wan didn't see the smile on the Master's face as he spoke.

Master Shaedenn had almost succeeded in prying off Obi-Wan when Master Telamin arrived. Obi-Wan screamed (like a girl, of course) and reattached himself completely to the Literature teacher, who almost toppled over under the apprentice's weight. It took a very long time before they made it to the Healers' Ward, as Master Shaedenn was having balance problems because of his newfound parasite. When the Healers once again certified Obi-Wan as mentally sane, Obi-Wan got another large Literature assignment to "keep him from using excess time to devise a means of disrupting classes." But on his way out of the Healers' Ward, Obi-Wan noticed that Master Shaedenn was keeping his distance from Telamin while watching the other master very closely.

Qui-Gon was looking forward to some nice, quiet time at home. His mission had been very vexing and he was in a bad mood. The Jedi was glad he hadn't brought his Padawan along; he was positive that he would have throttled the boy within the first day. If not sooner. Qui-Gon stepped into their apartment and saw that the message console was blinking. He dropped his bag on the sofa and went to see what he'd received. It might have been something important. One never knew what plot to rule the universe Obi-Wan could have gotten into while he was gone.

Qui-Gon was not the least little bit happy when he saw the messages. They all seemed to relate to Obi-Wan's behavior of late. And none of them were good. Qui-Gon decided that Obi-Wan was very lucky that he had arrived after Obi-Wan's first class. Qui-Gon would have many hours to cool down.

Many hours weren't enough. When Obi-Wan came home, Qui-Gon was still pissed. After much yelling on Qui-Gon's part and some half-hearted apologetic "yes, Master"s from Obi-Wan, it was over. In the end, Obi-Wan was banned from the message console, the holovid set, and the computer terminal. He also had to write apologies to all his teachers and to the classes because of his time-wasting. And he got many, many extra lessons to keep him busy. Worst of all, Qui-Gon was leaving him behind again for another mission. Oh well. There was always next month. That would probably be how long it took him to finish all of his new assignments.

A/N: Finally! Maybe it's time to start working on a non-humor story for once! Anybody want a sequel, though?


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